by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
We need trust, to trust and be trusted. But what is trust? And furthermore why can trust be so terrifying and exhilarating?
Trust is putting yourself out there: being yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities, and sharing your story. People need your story: not everyone, but the people that matter. They need your truth, your fight, your struggle, and your perspective just as you need theirs.
We’re more alike than different so how, and with whom do we open up and relate?
I’m by no means suggesting you trust everyone. Despite coming off as calculating, the adage you have to earn trust rings true. When you trust someone it is a gift of your time, energy and mind – not something you lightly pour your heart into. This goes for friends, lovers, doctors, therapists, co-workers, classmates, pets, family, and every important relationship in your life. So who do you trust?
Mutual self-love on both sides is vital for trust.
Engage with one another. Communicate, set boundaries together.
Respect is important for yourself as well as other people.
Be genuine by being yourself and trusting in yourself first.
Reciprocate. Give and take should go both ways.
Empathy. Be kind to yourself and others.
Respect: Find out what it means to you! Be with people who treat you with respect and respect themselves. You can’t give more than you have so self worth is important. Taking time for yourself and being kind is vital; if your energy is always directed outward you’ll keep running to catch up with it.
Reciprocate. Give and receive. Any relationship is a push and pull. Asking for help is just as crucial as giving it.
Grow from Mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, yet owning up, communicating, and making amends speaks volumes to someone’s character and integrity. We can chose to sincerely apologize, explain ourselves, suggest a way to make it up now, and troubleshoot and commit to improving for the future. Letting people know you expect to be treated with similar kindness is essential. Wallowing in the past makes everyone feel down; it’s better to talk, work together, and see what can be done to make the situation better.
Create Boundaries. This is also where communicating boundaries and explaining how Fibromyalgia affects you and how you spend your time is massive. You don’t need to say ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. Self-care means taking it easy and listening to your body. Share with those you feel comfortable and care about spending time with while most importantly respecting your own time and energy.
When you don’t feel up to joining in on plans it’s important to voice that. Try to be realistic about expectations for yourself and others. Keeping plans is a huge challenge for many of us; letting trusted friends, co-workers, and others know why, responsibly takes pressure off yourself. Saying “I would love to, but I don’t know if I will be able to make it.” Or with closer friends explaining “I would love to make it. I have fluctuating chronic pain and fatigue, so sometimes my schedule is unpredictable and I need to take time out to relax and take care of myself.” Thanking people for the invite without making promises shows you care about them and yourself. If you need to cancel plans, first off be kind and gentle with yourself. If you feel up to it, suggest something else, like them coming to you – most people love relaxing in good company. If that doesn’t suit, offer a brief explanation, be genuine and kind.
As campy as it sounds trust isn’t falling into a strangers arms at camp, it’s about being able to push and pull, communicate, and work to keep from falling down. Think of ballroom dancers. Ever wonder how they know how to glide in unison? The secret is they maintain a certain tension by pushing against each other. This is a way dancers respect each other’s space and communicate in subtle direct gestures with their partners. The lead gives lead ins and hints before suggesting a direction or spin with a smooth gesture, never jerking the follower.
Be proud of yourself for asking for help, saying ‘no’, setting, and keeping boundaries. It’s all about trust.
