by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
“People do it everyday, they talk to themselves... they see themselves as they’d like to be, they don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it.”
It’s normal to identify yourself as who you ideally would be in ideal situations if there were no obstacles holding you back. When we imagine ourselves as our “best selves,” we tend to overlook frivolous details like accounting for reality. In short, it’s normal to see what we want to see in situations, other people, and ourselves. We tend to disregard limitations or perceived imperfections. The truth of the matter is, the things we do not account for, still factor into the equation.
Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It’s not an endorsement of what you find problematic. We can accept something without thinking it is “okay”.
Acceptance is about being aware. It is about acknowledging reality. When we accept reality for what it is, we can work with instead of against it.
Acceptance acknowledges what is: what is happening? what is really going on? What is the reality of this situation?
How you feel about what’s going on in reality doesn’t change the fact that reality is how it is. Ignoring something won’t make it go away.
Paying attention to what’s really happening around us, and accepting the situation for what it is, is the first step to making it better.
When we try to change something that we pretend is not happening or isn’t an issue, we leave ourselves feeling guilt, shame, helplessness, suffering, and frustration. Feeling bad doesn’t resolve the issue. These punishing feelings do nothing but stand in our way of addressing the source of our frustrations. We need to be real with ourselves.
Accept what is going on within and around us.
And What Else is happening? Observe everything that’s happening instead of only fixating on a single event.
Understand - Why is this happening.
Identify the Problem - What’s Wrong?
Identify the Solution - What do you want to happen?
If the solution involves:
Someone else changing their behaviour,
Someone else being different than how they are,
Situations being different than what they are,
People not cutting in the queue.
The weather doing what you want it to do for once.
It is outside of your control.
It isn’t personal that the weather is indifferent to your demands or that people do, act, and are how they are.
What You Can Do is:
Accept people for who they are, even if you think they could be better. You can’t make them change by sheer force of will, nagging, doing the work for them, telling them how infuriated you are with them, or through magic. They can change for themselves if they so choose, but you can not create that change for them.
Acknowledge they may never change. The situation may remain the same. Do you want to continue doing what you are doing in the same way if the situation will remain the same?
Observe where you fit into the situation. Does pushing or “wanting” things to change get your way? If it’s a waste of your energy, perhaps it’s best to stop, redirect, and spend your time doing something you do enjoy for yourself.
Change Your Reaction to something more aware, helpful, compassionate, or accepting. Consistent problems are easy to work around when you accept them, because you know what to expect and how to work around them.
Let go of Control for things that are outside of your control. Allowing others the space to make their own decisions is liberating.
Choose How You Engage with the Situation. You can decide if you want to stay and work around the way it is, or if you want to leave the situation altogether. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or if you want to leave the situation altogether
We get into trouble when we see everything from a place of wanting, whether it’s:
Wanting to change someone
Wanting the situation to be different
Wanting to feel differently
Wanting to numb painful feelings
Wanting other people to change
Wanting other people to feel how you feel
It all has the same result that it keeps you waiting for something that will never happen.
We can choose to look at any situation from a place of:
Love
Gratitude
Compassion
Acceptance
“[G]rant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Question the Problem - Is that really what’s wrong? We often find that what we think is wrong with the world comes from a place of wanting more control to make things run in a way that is convenient or helpful to us.
Dig Deeper, and ask yourself, is that really the problem?
How Do You Feel? Be honest and gentle with yourself
Question Why You Feel that Way, and why you feel triggered by that event.
Build Your Strength
Next time you’re feeling pain or an uncomfortable feeling try to sit with it. Question how you are feeling. Look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself:
Can you Change this?
