Anxious about being Anxious

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Perhaps you've heard others do this to themselves. They make a casual mistake like dropping change at the checkout and say to themselves "stupid stupid stupid." Then, perhaps predictably in their fluster, they forget their receipt and go on to various other minor mishaps as they chastise themselves or place blame over piddly issues. 

These insults do nothing to prevent one from dropping change, just as calling something stupid does nothing to make it smarter. Dropping change, in fact, has little to do with someone's intelligence. Dropping change is merely a common side-effect of not paying attention. They are flustered, but it's not even about dropping change. It's about... everything else, it's about running late, having a bad day, or not feeling well. Perhaps they are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Or maybe, it's about not feeling good enough. Perhaps they feel inadequate in some way, or have basic needs that haven't been met. Perhaps they didn't feel safe, loved, or appreciated enough as a child. 

That's the real tricky part, stopping and finding out what's really going on when you find yourself irrationally upset or angry over spilt milk. Imagine if instead, they dropped the change, thought nothing out of the ordinary of it, simply picked it up and it didn’t register as a reason to be bothered. 

Steps to Break the Cycle

1. Know you can. Positive change is possible.

2. Pay Attention. Where are you now, and where is your mind going?

3. Stay Present. Be in the moment. Experience right now.

4. Find and Replace. Find you negative belief and change it. Reframe this belief into something positive.

Listen to Self-Talk

How are you speaking to yourself? Is it how you would talk to a good friend? Often times our worst critic is our inner critic. Even more, we are often unaware of the background noise constantly milling around in the back of our minds. When you stop and listen, you have the power to address and change the noise into helping affirmations.

Challenge Habits and Habitual Thoughts

We create narratives about ourselves. Then, we fall into the trap of believing our stories. Our stories appear more true than reality; they're what we fall back on. Instead of being in the present moment where typically not so much is actually happening, we tend to run through scripts in our heads.

Repetition Repetition Repetition

When it’s challenging to find relief and a state of calm in a worried mindset, there’s a lot we can do to calm the anxiety cycle. It's important that what we are saying to ourselves over and over is helpful and builds us up to feel and be better. Hurling insults at yourself is not productive and doesn't encourage happiness, growth, or self-worth. 

Placebo and Nocebo Effect

Often various medical treatments for anxiety work on the “placebo effect,” which is not to say they are ineffective. Oh contraire, if a person recovers; the treatment reached its intended effect. The thoughts “I will get relief,” “I will feel better,” and “This is helping” calm your mind and body and allow these things to be true. Believing something works can massively affect outcomes. 

On the other hand, negative beliefs we hold have the power to make us feel worse or perpetuate a problem, cue in the “nocebo effect.” For example, people often say “I’m a terrible cook, so I just eat take-out,” when they aren’t necessarily bad cooks. Often times it’s people who’ve never even tried cooking because the thought that they are bad at it is intimidating. To challenge this they could take a cooking class or try a simple recipe and say “I’m learning to be a great cook.” That will reinforce culinary success and allow for the possibility of greatness.

We have a strange way of making our story true. This can be great in the sense that say you make art and want to be a great artist, you can tell yourself "I am a talented artist." It may sound silly, but it's very encouraging. It reinforces practicing, working on art, connecting, and sharing your art.

Build Your Strength 

Say all of these mantras out-loud:

I can do this. 

I am enough, and I will always be enough. 

I am supported and loved, and I love myself deeply. 

I am at ease with the world.

 If you find any of them difficult to say or hard to believe, focus on that mantra. Let it become natural and easy. If you feel anxious or notice you are using negative self-talk, remember to focus on your mantra.

When you find yourself anticipating the next possible moment of anxiety, remember the above recipe for changing your thoughts.  Remember to H.A.L.T.! (Ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired?) and apply the steps!

The How To of Positive Psychology

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

People commonly associate Positive Psychology with optimism and mind over matter. It is more complex and involved than saying or thinking “good thoughts”. Positive Psychology attempts to achieve happiness by doing: practicing gratitude, genuine self-examination, and self discipline.

We can use Positive Psychology to prioritize happiness in both the present and build strengths to fulfil personal goals for the future. To be successful involves consistent work everyday. 

There is an overload of negative messages in the news and media that can subconsciously cause us to shutdown or lose faith in people or the world. To challenge downtrodden views by sensationalist media is important. Realistically, the media tends to express extremist views that sell fear and insecurity. Think of reality television; a balanced view is considered boring, although pragmatism and stability are arguably more enjoyable. Changing the way you think, optimising what you do, and spending your time better create a path to happiness.

Set goals. Identify what you most want to change or improve in your life and create a goal to work towards achieving that purpose. Don’t stress, this does not have to be your life’s purpose. It can be simple or complex, and you can tweak it as you go.

Make room for ritual. Schedule daily and weekly activities to make yourself happy and for your personal well-being. Organise them at regular times throughout your day. Stick to these goals even if you don’t feel like it. Chances are you won’t feel like doing things, pleasurable or challenging, until you create a habit. It takes roughly a month to create a habit. It could be doing YouTube dance tutorials for 30 minutes every day (with breaks and modified as needed) and going to an Improv class once a week.
Say mantras. Repeat a phrase that you want to embody, you can tie it into your meditation practice, say it to yourself on your drive or in the shower, or for daily motivation. It’s important to identify a belief you want to change or a goal you want to accomplish; cater your mantra to you. For example, If you feel weak say I am strong. Breathing is easy. Exercising is easy. I love myself deeply. Using prompts like saying your mantra when you enter a doorway, see or hear someone laugh, see or hear an animal, or when you look at your phone will assist in staying on task, creating the habits and optimising your brain.

Exercise. Your mind and body are connected. Consistently dedicating 30 minutes of your day to light or moderate exercise has countless positive effects on your mood, body, mind, and stamina. Keep searching for a way to move that works for you. Don’t stress about your ability; focus on improving upon what you can do. Yes, some people go to the gym and deadlift 35 stone, but you can get strong increasing your reps of small barbells, swimming, yoga, dance, tai chi, or whatever interests you.

Express gratitude. Express what you are grateful for each day. Be grateful to yourself for working on self-improvement and prioritizing your happiness and well-being.

Learn to Fail Forward. Taking risks and failing make you a stronger person, now more capable to fight bigger battles. Playing it safe and striving to stay in your comfort zone is a commitment to failure. If you never muster up the courage to put yourself out there, you will definitely fail. If you strive and challenge yourself, you will experience some failure and some success. You will progress in a positive direction. You will be stronger, and who knows, you may live your dream. Don’t roll over because you are afraid of failure; roll the dice.

““[I]t’s not necessarily going to work out the way you want it to work out, but it is taking you forward, and you are leaving the nest. And that never can be a mistake—to fly instead of staying in the nest with all the poop and everything that’s in there.” ”

— Quote SoPema Chödrön, Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknownurce

Build Your Strength. In your journal write down your main goals: what you want to focus on create, become, or what you want to heal or repair in your life. Make rituals, realistic daily goals, and set aside dedicated time to focus exclusively on those goals. Meditating when you wake up or light exercise before breakfast are excellent. Pair an activity with something you already do, like practicing mantras, quick exercises, or breathing exercises while you wait on the tea kettle. Be consistent. Organise these into a daily checklist and hang it where you will see, do, and check off your accomplishments everyday.

Positive Psychology Meets the Pity Party

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

To someone with or without Fibromyalgia “How are you doing?” can come off as small talk, an invitation, or a loaded question. It can feel like an obligation to say you’re fine for others’ supposed benefit; an excuse to list ailments and woes; or  even elicit a complicated social panic.

Expression is massively vital to well-being. Letting out your feelings and running with your personality are paramount to happiness, but where is the line? What is the difference between having a pity party and expressing all of your feelings?

Expression starts with you. Often we mask how we truly feel. Finding a healthy way to listen to your mind and body is vital to expressing yourself. Discovering positive ways to honestly express yourself can take on a journey of its own.

Set intentions. Are you trying to solve a problem or brag about it? If you’re competing for sympathy, it’s time to stop. Making someone feel bad for you, will not make you feel any better; that’s not the type of validation to strive for. Focus on positives. It could be as simple as a recipe or something you saw out your window. Tell a joke that made you laugh. 

Be proactive. Have you found something you enjoy or that gives you relief? Share it! Focus on steps to take care of yourself: sticking to a doable exercise plan, exercising gratitude for what you do have, making healthier choices, and prioritizing what makes you happy.

Practice Positive Psychology. Focus on Self-Love; Focus on bettering your future. Let go of the past along with anything not serving you now. Old scores are not present, move on, do what you can now.

“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin
As self-neglecting.”

— Henry V, William Shakespeare

Build Your Strength 

Slow down your breathing. Take a deep breath for a count of 5, hold it, then let it out to a count of 10. Do this breathing exercise 5 times in the morning and five times at night. It’s great to do if you’re stressed, waiting on something, or whenever. Try this Polyvagal breathing exercise everyday for 2 weeks, and see how you feel. 

How Fear Manifests

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

What if I told you it’s not your fault? That time you froze up instead of doing something, anything, was an automatic biological response outside of your conscious control?

It’s time to forgive yourself for unfavorable, fear based reactions, and move forward.

Guilt and shame are not serving you. Replace them and take control of your fears.

When we come from a place of compassion for ourselves and those around us, we are our best selves. Cutting ourselves down for our past traps us. To move forward we must forgive ourselves, and work to a better future.

How we react to negative people or situations usually comes about in a few different ways. When we face danger or perceived danger we respond with:

Fight- attack the conflict head on

Flight- run away, escape the situation

Freeze- shut down, pretend or believe this isn’t happening

Fight, flight or freeze turn out to be more complicated than previously thought, for humans anyway. 

In many ways this o’possum self defense methods allow us to excel and form stronger bonds and collaborate with new stimuli in our environment that could be perceived as a threat. However, freezing like fainting or passing out is not always safe or ideal. When exposed to trauma this is often the case. People’s body automatically freeze without making a conscious decision, thinking, or having a proper chat with your brain and body to double check that it’s a proper good idea.

Adverts and politicians use this method to scare people into buying into their products because they can’t afford not to!!! Fear overrides our nervous system, which encourages us to make rash actions rather than intelligent choices. Think about it. If someone is screaming or using fear-based arguments, do you think they really have your best interests at heart? Calm discussions may not be as overwhelmingly exciting as an infomercial, but they tend to present more sound, clear information.

Understanding more of the physiology of these responses will help us to calm our reactions as we’ll explain below.

Take the example of the freeze response. Our vagus nerve is a dual feedback loop.  The most major of the cranial nerves, the vagus nerve goes from the back of the brain down into all our major organs including the heart and stomach. This means that the brain is talking to our organs and our organs are talking back to the brain. Emergencies are felt by the heart and the stomach, for example, and then a signal is sent to the brain resulting in a freeze response.  

Rather than running or fighting constantly, ‘toning’ the vagus nerve via a breathing technique allows us to slow down and use diplomacy and conflict resolution. (Vagus Toning Technique:  Inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 6 counts...and repeat as much as you want.)

When we get scared, we breathe quickly, our senses heighten so the barely audible sound of a creaky floor can put us on edge. Pain intensifies and our hearing becomes sharp as a defense mechanism to escape predators, which is advantageous for survival in life-threatening situations. Sometimes our body gets mixed messages and overreacts when we aren’t in a dangerous situation, which causes problems and unnecessary oversensitivity to pain. Thankfully, we can practice breathing methods and calm our mind, body, and nervous system.

Let’s forgive ourselves for being duped by these tactics. Scare tactics are tried and true ways to get people off guard, making them susceptible to anything. Though it may make one feel daft to be bamboozled by such cons, it’s merely human nature. Once you understand why scare tactics are effective at achieving fear based reactions, you can learn to stay in control.

Turn Fear into Forgiveness. Forgiveness allows us to learn from our mistakes, or in some cases to forgive ourselves for situations outside of our control. We can accept and love ourselves, and move forward with a greater knowledge of why our mind and body react erratically under pressure. Focus on solving the problem by calming your nervous system through breathing and identifying patterns that cause this fear response. 

If you notice people around you are tearing people down rather than building them up, it’s time to do some soul searching and set clear boundaries to create a better environment for yourself.

Hacks for rewiring your brain:

Breathing

Meditation

Yoga

Breathe when you get angry or upset to calm your mind and body and to make better rational decisions.

Build Your Strength 

Practice the Vagus Toning Technique. Do this 10 times each day. You can do it when you wake up, make breakfast, get into a car, before bed. The key is to find a cue to prompt you to practice, which could be grabbing your keys to leave the house!

Responsibility for Me

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Responsibility may sound daunting.  That’s because it takes courage and compassion.  While we wage our daily battle, we know fortitude perhaps more than anyone.  It lends a sense of agency, accomplishment, and independence to take responsibility for ourselves within our ability.

Dictionary.com defines responsibility as “the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management.”  To do that it’s vital that we  understand what is within our realm of responsibility and ability.  We need to be compassionate for ourselves, and realistic with managing expectations.

Taking personal responsibility for yourself often involves stepping back and allowing other people to take responsibility for themselves.  It’s so important to allow your loved ones and people you spend time with to make their own choices and to care for themselves,  even if you don’t personally agree with their decisions.  People need to make mistakes, own up to the consequences, and clean up the mess – it’s all about learning.  It can be incredibly difficult not to offer your services to friends and family in the form of advice, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, favors, cleaning their dishes, and everything else under the sun.  Sometimes we take on more than we can chew, including tasks others need to accomplish for themselves.  If we do someone's homework,  how will they manage to learn and accomplish the next day’s assignments? 

If you begin to feel worn out emotionally, physically, or mentally it’s incredibly important to take care of yourself and take a moment for yourself.  It is not selfish to choose self-care first –  it’s empowering.  Saying no can mean saying yes to yourself, to relaxing, to enjoying how you spend time versus overdoing it.  We build trust by communicating, taking responsibility, and being genuine.

Step forward and do what you can.  When you become overwhelmed or annoyed it’s time to step back.   You don’t want to give so much of your energy that you feel taken advantage of or feel resentful.  The point is to contribute freely and responsibly.

Build Your Strength: In your journal list responsibilities for you and prioritize. Cross out other people’s responsibilities and issues outside of your control -- You can even make a list of tasks not to take on and burn it to let go.

Step Forward, Step Back.

Trust

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

— Stephen Chbosky

We need trust, to trust and be trusted. But what is trust? And furthermore why can trust be so terrifying and exhilarating?

Trust is putting yourself out there: being yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities, and sharing your story. People need your story: not everyone, but the people that matter. They need your truth, your fight, your struggle, and your perspective just as you need theirs.

We’re more alike than different so how, and with whom do we open up and relate?

I’m by no means suggesting you trust everyone. Despite coming off as calculating, the adage you have to earn trust rings true. When you trust someone it is a gift of your time, energy and mind – not something you lightly pour your heart into. This goes for friends, lovers, doctors, therapists, co-workers, classmates, pets, family, and every important relationship in your life. So who do you trust?

Mutual self-love on both sides is vital for trust.

Engage with one another. Communicate, set boundaries together.

Respect is important for yourself as well as other people.

Be genuine by being yourself and trusting in yourself first.

Reciprocate. Give and take should go both ways.

Empathy. Be kind to yourself and others.

Respect: Find out what it means to you! Be with people who treat you with respect and respect themselves. You can’t give more than you have so self worth is important. Taking time for yourself and being kind is vital; if your energy is always directed outward you’ll keep running to catch up with it.

Reciprocate. Give and receive. Any relationship is a push and pull. Asking for help is just as crucial as giving it.

Grow from Mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, yet owning up, communicating, and making amends speaks volumes to someone’s character and integrity. We can chose to sincerely apologize, explain ourselves, suggest a way to make it up now, and troubleshoot and commit to improving for the future. Letting people know you expect to be treated with similar kindness is essential. Wallowing in the past makes everyone feel down; it’s better to talk, work together, and see what can be done to make the situation better.

Create Boundaries. This is also where communicating boundaries and explaining how Fibromyalgia affects you and how you spend your time is massive. You don’t need to say ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. Self-care means taking it easy and listening to your body. Share with those you feel comfortable and care about spending time with while most importantly respecting your own time and energy.

When you don’t feel up to joining in on plans it’s important to voice that. Try to be realistic about expectations for yourself and others. Keeping plans is a huge challenge for many of us; letting trusted friends, co-workers, and others know why, responsibly takes pressure off yourself. Saying “I would love to, but I don’t know if I will be able to make it.” Or with closer friends explaining “I would love to make it. I have fluctuating chronic pain and fatigue, so sometimes my schedule is unpredictable and I need to take time out to relax and take care of myself.” Thanking people for the invite without making promises shows you care about them and yourself. If you need to cancel plans, first off be kind and gentle with yourself. If you feel up to it, suggest something else, like them coming to you – most people love relaxing in good company. If that doesn’t suit, offer a brief explanation, be genuine and kind.

As campy as it sounds trust isn’t falling into a strangers arms at camp, it’s about being able to push and pull, communicate, and work to keep from falling down. Think of ballroom dancers. Ever wonder how they know how to glide in unison? The secret is they maintain a certain tension by pushing against each other. This is a way dancers respect each other’s space and communicate in subtle direct gestures with their partners. The lead gives lead ins and hints before suggesting a direction or spin with a smooth gesture, never jerking the follower.

Be proud of yourself for asking for help, saying ‘no’, setting, and keeping boundaries. It’s all about trust.

How To of Mindfulness

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We run around endlessly in our heads, agonizing over the past; our “to do” list spanning into old age; even speculations beyond our lifetime- yet, how often do we observe right now? What if you could move beyond the continuous chatter stream and give yourself time and space to just be?

Much of our lives center around attempting to escape pain – Mindfulness Meditation does the opposite, brazenly addressing how you feel in the present. Clinical trials attributed Mindfulness Meditation to significantly reducing chronic pain.

Ways to access mindfulness:

Listen to waves crash on the beach.

Watch flames dance in a campfire.

Stretch or practice yoga.

Repeat or chant a mantra.

Observe mesmerizing smoke trailing off the flame of a candle.

Sketch spiral doodles.

Venture through a labyrinth.

There are infinite possibilities to be present; in doing so we can center our thoughts to achieve a greater mental clarity and relaxation. As an exercise, let’s focus on breathing because it is always there for us.

Set aside a time to meditate; any time you can manage will be perfect.

Find a quiet place outdoors, in your home, or join a local meditation group.

Get cozy. Sit or lay in a comfortable position.

• Take 3 deep inhales, hold your breath for two counts then allow it to drain slowly out your mouth. Focus on the sounds and sensations of your breath. Thoughts will come up, try not to judge them. Allow them to float by. Return to the wave-like quality of your breath.

Rather than avoid feelings or attempt to escape pain, acknowledge and be aware of how you feel. You are experiencing only a feeling; it will change. 

Recognize invading thoughts for what they are. Get curious with your internal dialogue instead of accepting negative self talk or labeling and compartmentalizing. If you begin to fixate on something, acknowledge it, then move back to your breath.

Be present for yourself. Everything will still be here when you come back from your meditation: work, plans, anticipations. Inversely, you can always return to your breath.

Lockdown on Beauty Care

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We are experiencing a wide range of reactions about changing beauty routines due to sheltering in. Some report feeling liberated to relax makeup, hair dyes, products, unnatural materials, and heavy metals. Not going out as much and working from home has allowed many the opportunity to opt for a more comfortable style. Some enjoy being able to express their gender freely and openly without feeling judged or the need to perform. 

Others are hit hard by the Zoom Factor, are hyper zoomed in on any perceived facial flaw, and feel more self-conscious than ever. Some are disengaging from social media, while others are more active than ever on dating apps, social networking, or Zoom meetings that place the face as a strong focal point. 

Whether you’ve been feeling liberated or exposed, it’s worth experimenting with your beauty routine to find out what makes you feel empowered. Taking a break from your typical beauty routine is a good way to discover what you value, what you can do without, and what you can tweak to work for you.

Your Self-Care Beauty Routine

Now is the opportune time to experiment with your look. You go for a low maintenance haircut. You can try something new: new colour, going grey, a haircut you’ve wanted but weren’t confident in pulling off, henna freckles, makeup trends, as well as opting for no makeup. What’s important is having fun with your look. 

For many of us beauty care is a form of self-care. Who doesn’t enjoy being pampered? It is incredibly rejuvenating to set aside time for yourself, where the focus is on you and what you want. For some that is getting your hair done or having fun with DIY haircuts.

It’s normal to miss beauty-care services for the therapeutic effects, pampering, relaxation, quality attention, gossip, and experience as well as visual expression. It’s also normal to feel empowered by creating your own beauty self-care and enjoying pampering yourself.

Full Body Beauty Care

Taking a break from in person events or turning video off on Zoom can be an excellent form of beauty self-care. Without the constant pressure to perform, you can experiment and truly discover what works for you in your body. 

Vital components of exercise are both the experience of resistance and relaxation. Yoga Nidra, a form of progressive muscle relaxation, teaches you to move throughout your body by stressing and then relaxing from head to toe of your body. This technique allows you to really notice where you are holding tension, learn about your body, and allow yourself to relax and strengthen. 

Hiding your preview on Zoom or other video chats will help you focus on who you’re talking to instead of being overly self-aware of your image through the lens of a typically non-flattering webcam. It’s also absolutely okay to request phone calls or to turn off your video if you aren’t feeling it. Staring at a computer screen for too long in itself leaves us feeling drained, and it’s important to check in to see how you are reacting to using webcam technology more frequently these days. If you find yourself feeling more insecure, it may be time to take a break and practice more self-care.

We often overlook how vital hydration is to skincare and feeling our best. Drinking plenty of water as well as eating nutritious foods allows our skin to glow. The beauty industry focuses heavily on treatments and what you put on your skin, but you get out what you put in as well. Taking in around 8 8oz glasses of water everyday is as much akin to skin care as exfoliating, moisturizers, and facials. Eating fresh, colourful fruits, vegetables, and nutrient rich foods will leave you looking and feeling more alive.Massage and relaxation amp up our beauty self-care routine and help us connect with our bodies. Whether giving yourself a facial, epsom salt foot soak, manicure, pedicure, or taking a bath, focus on the therapeutic aspects. Creating your own easy sugar, salt or coffee scrub is an excellent way to exfoliate, relax, massage tension out of your body, and get in touch with yourself. Enjoy your experience. Play ambient music or audiobooks. Light candles or burn incense. 

No matter what your beauty care routine is, do it for yourself. Focus on what makes you feel confident and comfortable in your body.

What is your beauty self-care routine? Do you use beauty care to fit in or express yourself? Do you relax and spend time on yourself, for yourself?

Build Your Strength

Look into a mirror and say “I love you” or “I love myself.” Repeat “I love you” for 2 minutes while looking at yourself in the mirror. Alternately you can look into a mirror and say 5 things you like about yourself.Try this exercise everyday for 2 weeks, and see how you feel after 2 weeks.

Navigating Zoom Fatigue and Chronic Fatigue

View fullsize

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“It’s easier being in each other’s presence, or in each other’s absence, than in the constant presence of each other’s absence.”

— Gianpiero Petriglieri

We are all rapidly changing the way we connect with each other.

The upheaval caused by the Covid 19 virus and pandemic forces us to reroute our daily routines, the physical mappings of our lives, and to think more about our physical and virtual interactions. Across several generations, we are all taking part in a dynamic process to discover how to form and maintain genuine connections, to stay close to our connections despite distance, to learn each other’s boundaries, and to participate in a changing world.

Each of us is presented with personal challenges and unique rewards. Most of us have been forced to think differently about the ways we connect, which enables us to form more intentional interactions and can be an opportunity to limit interactions that are less rewarding to us. 

Limited Energy with a Limitless Internet.

Without a regular schedule, time management is challenging. What are your priorities? Dedicated time for light exercise, nutritious foods, mindfulness with our body and feelings, and quality time with our loved ones helps us maintain the rest of our lives. It’s more important than ever to turn off notifications, and set a limited amount of time aside for checking email vs being up at all hours of the night and day checking for messages, news, and alerts.

Maintain Boundaries in An Unboundaried Zone.

It may be healthy at times to turn off the phone, only check emails once or twice a day, and remember you don’t need to respond to everything immediately. It can wait. We can slow our pace. 

Learn to say no.

You don’t have to go to every Zoom hangout, be on call on your phone, or across social networks. If someone suggests something you aren’t comfortable with or interested in, it’s mutually beneficial to suggest something of mutual interest. You can suggest phone calls over video chat or turn off your camera. You are allowed to take breaks to walk around, stretch, look out the window, and take time out for yourself. Doing so will give you more energy to focus your full attention to the task at hand when you come back. Limiting notifications makes it easier to avoid multitasking and getting trapped in constant distraction without devoting your time, energy, or attention to what you are doing. If you need time to yourself, take time to yourself.

Trust Your Body When It Tells You to Stop.

We all know that if we don’t say no, our body will say no for us. In order to avoid chronic fatigue, we learn to respect ourselves, our time, and our energy. Assertive, healthy boundaries help us maintain our health and healthy relationships.

Zoom Fatigue is Real

Exhaustion from screen time, hyper focusing on loads of stimuli, and trying to gauge everyone’s reactions in their individual squares is taking a toll. Not to mention what we often aren’t getting out of Zoom Meetings: we often miss our break room interactions. We are now more aware that we are all in different places, and we miss sharing spaces that are basically anywhere outside of our homes. Our house is now also our home office, gym, and so on. We may not only be missing that in person connection, but we miss spaces that are disconnected from our personal space.

Tips to Reduce Zoom Fatigue

• Limit number of Zoom meetings per day.

• Give yourself plenty of time between meetings.

• Encourage a different means of communication like a phone call or sending information by email. 

• Walking and talking on the phone may be better because you can keep your energy engaged and some people have more creative ideas while they are walking.

• Limit the time you spend in a video chat.

• Prepare a comfortable space and position to sit for video chatting. Have water and what you need on hand. 

• Set up a space that feels somewhat separate from your home with limited visual background distractions.

• Take time before the meeting for a short breathing practice and to connect to your body.

• Turn off your camera, and take breaks from looking at the screen.

• Only turn your screen or microphone on when you are talking to reduce background noise and visual overload.

• Minimize your video so you can focus on who’s talking with fewer visual distractions, self-critiques, and feel more natural and less like you are being watched. We don’t stare into a mirror during a normal face to face interaction. When people look at their video window they feel socially pressured and unconsciously feel the need to perform, which in itself is very tiring.  (Remember your unconscious automatically takes in everything that the eye is able to see.  That’s a lot to digest and process in your conscious mind and your unconscious mind!)

• Use Gallery View to reduce excessive visual information. We don’t need or have the ability to constantly gauge everyone’s reactions, and trying to input so much information is exhausting.

Build Your Strength

When you find yourself on video calls for business, pleasure, or therapy, create a mindful space. Find a place where you create a sense of privacy and separateness for the duration of a meeting...someplace where a closed door ensures privacy.  Give everyone in your household notice on when you’ll be ‘away’ in meetings and ask for their help limiting distractions during those times. 

Some people find sitting upright, cross legged on the floor with a cushion seat in a meditation pose works for them. A chair or position that supports your back and body is important for a session. Set up a simple solid colored or basic background with lighting that is in front of your face and also focused on the side of your face.  This will help prevent dark shadows on your face.  Check how you look in your video test call, and then cover the small picture of yourself so you are not tempted to keep looking at yourself. Remember to dress for your meeting as if you were dressing for attending a face to face meeting.

Take 3 deep breaths and focus on your body before meetings to ground yourself in a physical space.  Relax and come back to those deep breaths throughout your meeting.  Notice where you are holding tension throughout your meeting and continue to breathe through the tension! 

Letting Go of Uncomfortable Feelings

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.”

— Mareez Reyes

It’s easy to stew in uncomfortable feelings and allow emotions to overtake us. Letting go of strong emotions and moving them into positive actions gives us strength to make positive changes in areas that upset us. Strong emotions have power to motivate change.

You’re in a rush because you really want to pick up a surprise for your friend before catching the bus to meet them. You feel great about yourself as you daydream about surprising your friend while catching your breath in line with the perfect gift, when out of nowhere, someone cuts you in the queue. They have loads of items while in the express checkout and are acting the epitome of rude. You are fuming. You clench your jaw and your fists. Every item they ring up and every word they utter sends you further into rage as you force yourself to retain composure. Finally, you check out your single item and move as quickly as you possibly can to catch the bus, which you do not.

Now you’re stuck waiting for the next bus, all because that muppet cut the queue. Your excitement to see your friend evaporates; for now, all your attention is dedicated to mulling over a few choice words you feel you should have said to the queue cutter. Rest assured these critiques are all deserved for making you late and upsetting everyone else’s plans. You were having such a lovely morning, and now everything merely adds to your frustrations. 

All you want is for people to have common courtesy, to mind the queue, to not cut everyone else off in queue with countless items, yet this savage did just that. The nerve of some people is all you can think about in an endless loop of aggravation. You can keep feeling like this all day; you just might. Something about reeling in their countless flaws seems just and deserved. They violated the honor code, the queue code, and common decency. They significantly violated your space and threw off all of your plans for the day. You have a right to be angry, but how is that going to help you when you get to your friend’s party? How can you not be furious? After all, you think you should be upset at the way you were treated.The choice is completely yours. You can stay mad, and carry this cloud into the party; alternatively, you can look at the situation, look at yourself, and examine other options. Being angry is not helping your current situation, after all, you can no longer take it out on the queue cutter who kicked off this whole mess. Pretending everything is honky dory will not do. Let’s face it, to get out of this mood you need to face what’s bothering you.

Identify Your Feelings. What are you feeling? Does it have a name?

Quantify the Feeling. On a scale of 1-10, where would you rate this feeling? Where would you like this feeling to be? What would be a more manageable level?

Locate Where You Feel these Feelings in Your Body. Stress, anger, and tense emotions are held in our body. Some people hold stress in their shoulders and back. Once aware that they raise and tense their shoulders, they can then let go and learn to lower their shoulders away from their ears. Then relax and unclench their jaw. Practicing Autogenic Relaxation Training, Meditation, Yoga, Self Massage, light exercise, stretching, or other body awareness practices will help you fine tune your ability to locate tension throughout your body. You can also become more aware by simply paying attention to yourself and focusing on your body and how different parts move and feel. Where do you feel pain, fear, anger, or resentment? Can you feel it in your face? Untense your face and body. Open and relax your hands. Breathe deep and lower your shoulders away from your ears again.

Identify the Cause of This Feeling. What is wrong? Perhaps you are upset at a person, a situation, or even yourself. Put into words what is going on that led you to feel this way. “I feel frustrated at the muppet who cut in the queue.”

Own Your Feelings. Take full responsibility for how you feel. This doesn’t mean making apologies for other people, taking blame for the situation, or others’ actions. You are only responsible for your own emotions, words, and actions. Give yourself space to feel your emotions. Hold your feelings in a place of respect regardless of if they are positive or negative emotions.

Accept Your Feelings. You feel how you feel. Even though it may not be the feeling you want to be experiencing, honour the reality of how you feel right now. This may sound like: “I feel angry, but I love myself deeply.”

Move Negative Feelings into Positive Actions. What can you do to change this situation or similar situations in the future? You can’t control other people or the situation. You can change the way you prepare, interact, and influence others. You can speak out and change the course of events by speaking up for yourself or advocating for others. Strong emotions like anger exist to scare off threats or jump us into action inorder to protect ourselves.

Be Assertive. Sometimes we feel guilty for not speaking out about injustices until after the situation has passed; luckily we can learn healthy, assertive communication so people are aware of our boundaries. There are various actions we can take to become more assertive and maintain healthy boundaries. 

Ask Yourself What You Are Meant to Learn. Every situation will teach us about ourselves and the world around us. Learning to identify how we feel in the moment is crucial to avoid being overwhelmed by our emotions. As we practice awareness of our emotions, we will be more able to assess the situation and find helpful ways to react.

Let Go. When you are ready, give yourself permission to let go of uncomfortable feelings. “I feel very angry right now, but it is not currently helping me. I no longer need to carry the weight of this feeling so I give myself permission to release my anger.”

Build Your Strength Take a few deep breaths and a moment to thank and honor yourself for your courage to address your feelings. It’s difficult work to step out of your comfort zone, to address uncomfortable feelings, to own your feelings, and use them to take positive action. Love, accept, and honour yourself for taking the responsibility to work with your challenging feelings.

Make Friends with Anxiety

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

This is a sort of ‘tongue in cheek’ article on anxiety in all of its shapes and sizes.  I hope you enjoy this review of the subject. So let's get to know anxiety. Let’s have a cup of tea with it and ask it a few questions.

Anxiety Profile

Pros: Outstanding in small doses, protective in immediate threatening situations, a procrastinator's best friend

Biggest Flaw: Destructive/damaging in long-term relationships, worry wort, tries really hard to be helpful and keep everyone safe but mostly just nags

Hobbies include: Hyperventilating, overthinking, pacing, insomnia, getting things done, and freaking out

Anxiety is brilliant at overreacting and misinterpreting situations. Most people's parents teach them not to trust the world. They move around with a distrust of the world and all of the things and people in it because they fear something hurting their baby and their duty is to protect. They are guarded because something might happen, not because something will happen or is even necessarily probable. It's true that there are endless possibilities. What we overlook is the question of whether or not this fear is actually helping us. If the answer is no, move on and focus on something you can do right now. If you feel helpless, that's okay too; sometimes all we can do is keep breathing.

Society has evolved faster than the human brain. Relative to the previous 200,000 years of human history we have had a dramatic environmental change in the past 500 years. We live in systems that value delayed returns over immediate returns. Previously the system was very direct and immediate: I am hungry, I forage or hunt food. 

I Feel:

Worry (anticipating fear)

I see a badger and worry the badger will eat me. I will quickly get away from the badger and avoid it’s territory.

Anxiety (anticipating an event and attempting to prevent it from causing me discomfort)

I feel the cold of winter approaching and anticipate that there will be less crops, forage, or badgers to eat. I will move to where it is warmer and follow the game and vegetation.

Stress (uncomfortable body sensation)

I feel hungry, stressed, and irritated. I will forage and maybe eat a badger. 

Anxiety is great for short-term problem solving. Procrastinators know this and rely on the ‘rush’ that comes from it to get things done. Break down your long-term problems into short term action items.

In the circus industry there is a rule: Hesitation is Death. Any small worry or distraction misses the beat of the moment, and you fall. You fall not because you didn't spend enough time diligently worrying, but because you thought you might fall. You fall because you weren't there. You fall because you fell into your head and ran around in circles. The best way to prevent danger is through action, not thought. Check the rigging, practice, and focus.

Anxiety creates loops. Loops are tangled delusional realities. Remember thought loops are just that. They are not real nor productive. Anxiety loops do not predict the future or protect you from it. If you feel anxious, do something that you can do right now. If you are anxious that your grandmother is coming over, and boy is the apartment a mess; do the dishes. Thinking about it isn’t doing anything about it, so don’t bother tormenting yourself.

HALT! : Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?

Ask yourself how you are feeling at this moment and tackle the problem at hand. If the problem is in anticipation of something in the future; that isn’t currently affecting you, create an action plan. If you feel anxious, but don’t know what to do for it now, make physical or mental lists of things to help you relax or build strength.

When you feel anxious and experience looping thoughts ask yourself: Does worrying keep me safe? Probably not. Can you drop it? Do you want to let it go? Do you want to hold onto something that is not bringing you the results or serving your best interests? What do you get from holding on to anxiety? When you're ready: breathe in, breathe out, let it go. Do not try to hold on if it is destroying you. You're better than that, and you deserve better.

What it boils down to is that anxiety and fear are about self-preservation. It is an illusion that anxiety and fear will protect you in the future.

The problem isn't anxiety; we're using anxiety wrong. Anxiety is only useful to protect you in the present moment - in the reality of the present situation. If you feel parched or are dehydrated, anxiety can motivate you to drink water, but it won't lead you to the well. It will lead you in circles of self-doubt wondering if there is or isn't a well. And what if there's something wrong with the well? What should I say if I run into Nigel on the way to the well? STOP. Drink a glass of water. Do not use anxiety as a roadmap; use it to get something done right now.

Anxiety parades as a future defense, but the truth is it doesn't know how or what the future holds. Anxiety can be a good motivation tool short-term, but anxiety is a terrible long-term lover.

Build Your Strength 

Create a list of action items you can do if you feel anxious. It may look like this:

Journal by writing about what and how you are feeling. 

Observe what is happening right now. Write it down and look to identify patterns.

Meditate by breathing in deep and slowly, releasing all the air, then doing it again.

Read a chapter of a book that interests you. Get lost in it.

Exercise in any way that feels good to you. Do a silly dance!

Seven Strategies for Wellbeing: A Guide for Addressing the COVID-19 Outbreak

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We all respond differently to crises. Our emotions, our responses, and reactions are all subject to change unpredictably, as these situations tend to compound by bringing up past traumas. Most of us are experiencing sudden changes in our feelings on loneliness, security, connection to community, obligations, isolation, and privacy. These uncomfortable feelings are completely normal. Coping with chaotic changes to our daily lives along with the added complexity of living with an autoimmune disorder, presents us with new challenges. Know you’re not alone. We’re all connected and in this together.

1. Understand & Accept Challenging Emotions.

Understand there are countless normal emotional responses to a crisis. Try to be compassionate and accepting of yourself and others.

• Fear: Are my loved ones safe and following CDC & WHO precautions? Will we get through this alright? 

• Anger: Why weren’t we prepared? How can that person possibly justify handling this that way? People just don’t understand what people with autoimmune disorders are going through!

• Confusion and Frustration: What am I supposed to do now? Where are we going to live? I have no idea how I’m supposed to take all of this!

• Guilt and Self-Blame: I need to take extra safety precautions, and I feel guilty that this is affecting my responsibilities. I’m not as in control of my emotions and reactions as I’d like to be right now. I should have had a better plan.

• Shame and Humiliation: I compare myself to peers online who are thriving, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I am struggling. I feel humiliated because I’m not sure how I will maintain financially under these circumstances. I’m embarrassed to say that I’m weary of going back to my normal life. 

• Sorrow and Grief: I didn’t get to spend time with everyone before the outbreak. I miss my routine, my neighborhood, and my community. It’s not the same here, and I miss my usual comforts and conveniences.
  

It’s easy to be swept up in worry, panic, negativity, and predict the worst.  In reality we have no way of predicting what challenges and opportunities await. It’s essential to focus on how to make the best of the situation and treat ourselves and those around us with love, respect, patience, and understanding.

2. Maintain Boundaries. It is important for our health to maintain boundaries. People may expect you to be present and quick to jump into action since they themselves are experiencing difficult changes. In order to have the energy to accommodate others, we must first take care of ourselves.

• Be clear and direct. Saying no and letting others know if you are unable to attend or assist shows both self and mutual respect. 

• Auto Responses are great because they allow you to conserve your energy and connect others to resources, while setting boundaries. Who doesn’t love passive work?  “I am typically available between the hours of X and Y, London time. Please allow at least 48 hours for me to get back to you. For an emergency outside of those hours, please contact CONTACT NAME and INFORMATION. Thank you for your understanding as I find ways to balance my obligations during this unique time.”

• Schedule blocks of time for self-care like going for a stroll, catching up with friends, light exercise, reading a book for pleasure, taking a relaxing bath, or meditation, so you can check in with yourself with no interruption as well as block off time for your other responsibilities.

• Ask for help or work on errands together. Feel free to let those relying on you know ways they can help you help them as well.

3. Establish a Routine.

Routines provide structure and a sense of safety, which is important for our physical, emotional, and mental health. These kinds of crises can make us feel unmotivated or powerless, but a routine helps us keep focused and feel like we are in control. Invite the household to contribute to the creation of a daily schedule with fun time, family time, and self-care!

• Handwashing Mantras like: “I show love and respect to myself and others through small, intentional acts.” “I release and cleanse myself of what I do not need or can not control. I am free from the burden of unnecessary fears and anxieties.” Since we are spending time more frequently washing our hands for at least 20 seconds, we may as well reaffirm a commitment to ourselves, our spirit, and our well-being.

• We can create mindful activities around simple tasks to bring our habits into awareness as we try to avoid touching our faces.

4. Light Exercise.

• Maintaining light exercise is important to keep our body fit and moving; especially when we’re battling Fibromyalgia.

• Youtube is one of many great resources; search “Dance for Fibromyalgia.” It’s easy to find Tai Chi, yoga, stretching, and all types of exercises curated to fit your needs. You can even make a playlist of your favorites to keep track of your progress and connect others with fun dance moves.

• Buddy systems can be particularly motivating whether you have a dance party with your household or exercising together from different locations. Try to keep each other accountable to meeting exercise goals. Seek mutual support to cheer each other onto positive routines.

• Consistency is key, don’t overdo it. This will look different depending on you and your body. It may be 15 minutes twice a day or it may be maintaining your normal walking routine even though you are staying home.

• Reach for resistance in your workout, but stop before you feel new pain. 

5. Be Intentional about your News and Social Media Use.

• Set an intention for what you want to accomplish from your experience and how much time you will dedicate. Set a timer and reflect on your intention and experience. I am going to spend 15 minutes on Tumblr looking at adorable animal gifs. My intention is to cheer myself up and unwind.

• Pay attention to your feelings as you scroll through social media, your phone, news, or TV. How are you feeling? If you find yourself regularly getting angry, upset, or losing energy, it’s time to set a time limit or boundary to distance yourself from what is not serving you.

• Avoid comparing yourself to others. We have no way of knowing the full story of what someone else is truly experiencing and the well-manicured lens of social media can lend a distorted view, both positive and negative.

• Taking a few hours offline to unplug for morning routines and night routines can be a helpful way to reduce stress.

• There are apps to keep you on track with managing social media to track or block time for you to stay focused on your goals.

6. Practice Self-Awareness.

• Use Daily Journal Prompts to build your self-awareness like: 

  • How am I feeling today?

  • What do I appreciate/ am I grateful for today?

  • What did I learn today that will help me be a better person/friend/colleague/flatmate?

  • An emotion I experienced today was..., when ... , and I felt this way because…

  • One thing that inspired me today was…

  • What didn’t work out the way I wanted/expected? What can I learn from that experience?

  • One thing I learned about myself today is…

• Join a Peer Support Community for coping with Fibromyalgia, Covid 19, or other challenges you may be facing.

• Weekly check-in sessions: Identify someone you trust who has a constructive point of view and a healthy emotional intelligence. This may be a friend, family member, therapist, or community leader. Make a plan to meet (virtually) once a week to discuss what this crisis is teaching you about yourself, your dynamics with other people, and your community.

7. Connect.

People around the world are presented with new challenges of loneliness and isolation while social distancing and quarantining. Since our immune systems are more vulnerable, we need to be proactive and take extra precaution to take care by both following health guidelines and staying connected for our emotional well-being. 

• Seek online community groups. WeChat, Facebook, Discord, WhatsApp, and other sites have groups specifically for Fibromyalgia and those going through similar experiences. 

• Limit time with draining individuals. We have a limited amount of energy and we need to spend it wisely to avoid burnout and Fibro fog. If you regularly find yourself feeling mentally or emotionally exhausted from interacting with someone, it’s time to form healthy boundaries.

• Be mindful of venting. Whether you are on the venting or receiving end, there are healthy ways to express yourself. Keep in mind how you are feeling. We need to distance ourselves from this activity when it is not serving us. Are we venting to bond, decrease in our stress levels, learn/express perspectives, seek solutions, or just to vent? If venting is not helping, use your emotions to take action and instead contact your representatives, seek help, or strategies to better your life. Take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself:

  • Do I need to complain right now, or is there a better action or activity for this moment?

  • What do I hope to get out of this conversation? Solutions? Understanding? Sympathy? Bonding? (Share your intention with your friend, family, or therapist before you vent).

• Reconnecting with those we care about helps to lift our moods and decrease our stress. Schedule a regular video call with your friends, those in similar situations, or even meet new groups with shared interests. You can play cards, board games, role playing games, and practically any hobby you can imagine online. Dungeons and Dragons is a creative and immersive game that lends itself to all interests from fiction, scifi, fantasy, film, or anything you can imagine. You can join or create a campaign on Roll20’s website. 

• Create fun rituals together from fun activities or add community to humdrum daily rituals like cooking, eating, exercising, or choring together. Your routines can be with flatmates or friends online or over the phone.

3 Fears Expats Can Relate To

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

When you decide to up and leave everything behind — all that you have ever known — it can be pretty scary. Your diet, daily habits, workplace, and friends change all at once. It feels as if it is just you against the world. Even the most banal day-to-day experiences become more convoluted than they were back home. Sometimes, it’s so nerve-wracking to do something as simple as grocery shopping because we let our fears get the best of us. Here are three common fears expats share and how to cope with them as you begin your new life abroad.

Answering the phone.

While telephone use has gone down significantly, you will still receive the occasional phone call or might have to make a phone call to set up an appointment. This can terrify many expats that have not yet mastered the language of the country that they are living in at the moment. What if they ask you a question you do not understand and you are unable to answer? Mortifying, right? 

Dealing with insurance and other financial related issues.

Many expats find it difficult to adapt to a new bureaucratic style at first. There are many hoops to jump through, many documents to establish and go through, and many people to talk to in person and over the phone. It was nerve wracking back home and it is nerve-wracking in your new country.. It’s stressful not to know whether you are doing everything legally or not, after all, even a small misunderstanding could lead to big legal trouble. Many expats tend to fear being deported or getting in trouble, especially if there is the added obstacle of a language barrier.

What other people think.

Being judged for being an expat is still something that happens. Those that are native from their country might make fun of your accent, have a stereotype made up in their mind about your origins or a completely fabricated idea about what you represent to them. All of this can lead to a fear of integrating fully or making friends with the locals. 

Fear explained.

What if I told you that the time that you froze up instead of doing something, anything, was an automatic biological response outside of your conscious control? What if I told you it’s not your fault? 

Understanding more of the physiology of these responses will help us to calm our reactions as we’ll explain below:

People’s bodies automatically freeze without making a conscious decision, thinking, or having a proper chat with your brain and body to double-check that it’s a proper good idea. Fear overrides our nervous system, which encourages us to make rash actions rather than intelligent choices.

When we get scared, we breathe quickly, our senses heightened so the barely audible sound of a creaky floor can put us on edge. Pain becomes more intense and our hearing becomes sharp as a defense mechanism to escape predators, which is advantageous for survival in life-threatening situations. Sometimes our body gets mixed messages and overreacts when we aren’t in a dangerous situation, which causes problems and unnecessary oversensitivity to pain. Thankfully, we can practice breathing methods and calm our mind, body, and nervous system.

It’s time to forgive yourself for unfavorable, fear-based reactions, and move forward. Guilt and shame are not serving you. Replace them. Take control of your fears. Fight, flight or freeze reactions turn out to be more complicated than previously thought, for humans anyway. 

Turn Fear into Forgiveness.

Forgiveness allows us to learn from our mistakes, or in some cases, to forgive ourselves for situations outside of our control. We can accept and love ourselves and move forward with a greater knowledge of why our mind and body react erratically under pressure. Focus on solving the problem by calming your nervous system through breathing and identifying patterns that cause this fear response.

Breathe when you get angry or upset to calm your mind and body and to make better rational decisions. 

Finding it difficult to cope alone?

You don’t have to fight fear on your own, if it becomes unmanageable for you. It’s better to seek help sooner than later. Counselling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counselling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day fears revolving in your life.

Accepting New Changes as an Expat

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Moving to a new country can be both exciting and difficult. Unfortunately, not everything about the process is sugar, spice, and everything nice. Sometimes, you’ll have to deal with situations where your only option is to accept the road before you.

When we fight the drama, the change, how others are reacting to us or our situations, we need to be very mindful.  Are we able to accept what is outside of our control? Here are some thoughts to help you consider the subject of acceptance.

Understanding what acceptance is

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It’s not an endorsement of what you find problematic. We can accept something without thinking it is “okay”. Acceptance is about being aware. It is about acknowledging reality. When we accept reality for what it is, we can work with instead of against it. 

Acceptance acknowledges what is: what is happening? What is really going on? What is the reality of this situation? How you feel about what’s going on in reality doesn’t change the fact that reality is how it is. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. Paying attention to what’s really happening around us, and accepting the situation for what it is, is the first step to making it better.

When we try to change something that we pretend is not happening or isn’t an issue, we leave ourselves feeling guilt, shame, helplessness, suffering, and frustration. Feeling bad doesn’t resolve the issue. These punishing feelings do nothing but stand in our way of addressing the source of our frustrations.

Embracing acceptance 

We need to be real with ourselves and accept what is going on both within and around us. We also need to ask ourselves “What Else is Happening?” Observe everything that’s happening instead of only fixating on a single event. Understand why this is happening.

• Identify the Problem - What’s Wrong?

• Identify the Solution - What do you want to happen?

If the solution involves wanting a change of scenery, waiting for a person, a situation, or even the weather to change, don’t hold your breath.

It’s outside of your control.

It isn’t personal that the weather is indifferent to your demands or that people do, act, and are how they are, but there are other ways to respond.

What can you do?

Accept people for who they are, even if you think they could be better. You can’t make them change by sheer force of will, nagging, doing the work for them, telling them how infuriated you are with them, or through magic. They can change for themselves if they so choose, but you cannot create that change for them.

You must also acknowledge that they may never change. The situation may remain the same. Do you want to continue doing what you are doing in the same way if the situation will remain the same?

Observe where you fit into the situation. Does pushing or “wanting” things to change get your way? If it’s a waste of your energy, perhaps it’s best to stop, redirect, and spend your time doing something you enjoy for yourself.

Change Your Reaction 

Be more aware, helpful, compassionate, or accepting. You are going through a lifetime of changes, all at once, and it’s good to stay in control of your emotions. Acknowledge and accept them. Consistent problems are easy to work around when you accept them because you know what to expect and how to work around them. Let go of the need to control for things that are outside of your control, such as the traffic in a big city. Just allowing others the space to make their own decisions is liberating.

Choose How You Engage with the Situation.

You can decide if you want to stay and work around the way it is, or if you want to leave the situation altogether. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or if you want to leave the situation altogether

We get into trouble when we see everything from a place of wanting, whether it’s:

• Wanting to change someone

• Wanting the situation to be different

• Wanting to feel differently

• Wanting to numb painful feelings

• Wanting other people to change

• Wanting other people to feel how you feel

It all has the same result in that it keeps you waiting for something that will never happen.

We can choose to look at any situation from a place of:

1. Love

2. Gratitude Compassion

3. Acceptance

Do you need more resources to help you embrace acceptance in your life?

It’s okay to need more time, need more resources, and need guidance to find calm within yourself, even if that involves a therapist, like me. It’s always better to seek help sooner than later. Counseling can help ease the transition to a more positive mindset. 

Food for thought

The next time you’re feeling pain or an uncomfortable feeling try to sit with it. Question how you are feeling. Look at the situation objectively.

Finally, ask yourself: Can I change this?

If Yes -  Summon your courage to Change It, or Accept that it is your Choice to continue as you have been.

If No -  Accept it! 

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It just means that you understand that you cannot control your environment down to the nitty-gritty and that in itself is liberating.

Managing Expectations as an Expat

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you hold them, the more likely they were to crack.”

— Brandon Sanderson

It seems like a lot of expats are getting tripped up with the issue of expectations whether it’s what they do to our brains or how best to survive having them float around in our brain.  Here’s something I wrote for you in the hopes that it will help you manage your expectations. 

What are “expectations”?

Expectations are what we think should happen. Expectations undermine who we are, who others are, and what is. It’s the ideal, not the reality. As soon as we begin fantasizing about our new lives, a new experience, anything that is new, we create a vision in our minds that may or may not come true. This opens the door to lots of disappointment and lots of hurt feelings. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that are controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied. Expectations aren’t what will happen. Expectations aren’t based in reality nor are they accurate forecasts for the future. 

The harsh truth: you need to hear it

Nothing should happen. The real world is messy and there is a lot of luck involved. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices. We will not be able to control what happens, but we will be able to change how we react and interact. We will be able to grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.

We have the power to love and accept ourselves for who we are. The world is more enjoyable when we accept it and the people in it for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.

Accept that perfection, control, and expectations are illusions. Let go of expectations. Let go of control. Accept and work with what’s happening. 

Expectations at work

Often times job descriptions fail to include all of the tasks that the employer expects or will expect over time. These un-agreed upon terms and unspoken expectations are often the source of job dissatisfaction, disinterest, tension, distrust, and leave employees feeling manipulated, used, and under appreciated. Better communication creates mutual respect, mutual trust, and leads to a more enthusiastic, functional work environment. People are often upset about making coffee runs & doing extraneous errands because it’s not their job or they had no idea it was supposed to be. Unspoken expectations can transform a task that would otherwise be enjoyable into a source of stress that detracts from their ability to focus on what they perceive as their actual job. 

Alternatively, when everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. On the same note, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour. Often we aren’t upset about the terms of the job, we are just stuck in our initial understanding. If the actual description was stated and agreed upon, we’d be delighted to work and cheerfully run errands for our colleagues.

Expectations about living abroad

After a while, the novelty of your new environment will wear off and you will begin your (still new) ordinary life. Annual doctor appointments, dental check ups, oil changes in your car, cooking recipes, and so on. This is the phase where a lot of your expectations might come clashing with what reality is like. Perhaps, the culture wasn’t as “fun” as you thought for it to be, or the city is nothing as described to you from what you have read and informed yourself previously. Whatever it is, this is the challenging part. It’s time to build a meaningful life abroad, no matter what. 

Distractions in our path

The problem with expectations is that they distract us from the originally assigned task we set out to undertake.  So instead of feeling helpful and enjoying the excursion to treat people to coffee, we may feel rushed, unable to get everything done, and pressed for time.  Without realizing it, we may feel duped, manipulated, unappreciated and resentful towards our boss. We may feel guilty and not good enough with ourselves because we think we should be x, y, and z or we think our boss should be x, y, and z, etc.

When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see that our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. Perspective changes everything.

Need a push in the right direction?

You don’t have to learn how to manage your expectations on your own. There is always help available around the corner or in this case, a few clicks away. Are your expectations stopping you from enjoying your experience as an expat? Counseling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counseling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day expectations revolving in your life.

The Art of Confrontation: A Step by Step Guide for Expats Experiencing Conflict

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

When we see an accident, there’s a natural inclination to gape and point fingers, overreact, or avoid the mess altogether. Be it vehicular, argumentative, or puppy related, accidents are inevitable, and we each have different, but usually somewhat consistent ways of responding to them.

Eventually, it’s easier to do something than to avoid doing something. You can walk around for only so long before the bridge simply must have a fix. You can put it off for a seemingly endless time, but in the end it’s getting you nowhere until you fix it.

Our reactive behaviour in relationship conflict is equally important. We need to mutually understand and accept what is going on so we can start to heal and work together. This can be difficult for expats who may not be fully acquainted with the customs and perhaps even the language of their new neighbours. There are a few things to keep in mind to help smooth over potential conflict.

Firstly, try to be honest and realistic- promising or ‘expecting the world’ will leave everyone disappointed. Shoot for a doable solution that can be practiced and built upon, rather than completed overnight.

Ask Yourself - What’s going on? How are you feeling about it?

Consider Not Knowing - Regardless of what you think, feel or believe about someone, there is no way of knowing what they are experiencing, how they are feeling, or what is going on from their perspective. There is plenty of room for miscommunication when you are experiencing a new culture or environment.

Focus - What objectively happened from your perspective? Focus on yourself, your reactions, and your feelings. Consider that the other person may feel exactly the same as you feel.

Questioning - Strengthen your convictions by exploring every possible opposition or differing perspective. Are there religious, cultural, or political differences at the heart of the conflict, or perhaps a language barrier?

Question your feelings - Question any fear you may have of confrontation. From where are they rooted? Is this fear a coping mechanism?

Agree to Disagree - Give yourself and others the permission to “be yourself.” Respect independent thought and choice. You can explore the perspective of others without losing yourself.

Be Proactive - Focus on ways everyone can make things better and work together.

Keep Attention on Me.

Focus on I Statements - “I feel…  sad and disrespected when you ignore me.”

Avoid Blame Statements like “You did… avoid me” or “You didn’t…  text me back.”  

We statements are good for proposing resolutions. “We can check in with ourselves, each other, and how we feel more to improve our communication.”

Be Realistic- Differentiate intentions from realistic expectations. Acknowledge that what you want or need may not be the other person’s responsibility or within their abilities and vice versa. It’s important to accept ourselves and each other for who we are before making judgements, demands, or resolutions.

We can genuinely want to do something without it being realistic. It’s important to be realistic, honest, and not overextend ourselves.

Remember - Confrontation can reveal to others what gets you more comfortable, secure, encouraged, engaged, attentive, inspired, or motivated.

Channel Courage - It’s easy to become complacent in a small pond. We have the power to swim the channel and sail the world. But, we can’t go that far if we shut ourselves off from it, we must still brave the seas, and embrace differences.

Make Time to Meet - Set aside a bracketed time that works for everyone. Consider age, abilities, and each other’s schedules (with respect to work and religious customs, for instance). Most importantly, make sure this time is dedicated completely to discussion of what happened and how everyone feels they can best confront what’s going on and resolve the issue.

Comfortable Environment - Try to find a safe, calming place where everyone feels welcome. It’s important to find a neutral place, not one party’s personal space. Try to seek a balance so no one feels as if their boundaries or territory are threatened, out of place, or imposing on someone’s space.

Trusted Mediators - Allow everyone to have space to speak, listen, and be heard. Having a non-biased mediator can be immensely helpful, like a therapist, counselllor, coach, or a trusted spiritual or religious guide. Mutual friends usually feel uncomfortable and should not be in the middle of an argument. Despite the best intentions, it is difficult to remain fair, neutral, or feel relaxed as a mediator friend. It’s easy to perceive biases that are not there or take input personally when friends are involved. Having a non-biased professional who is outside of the situation can help insure everyone is and feels heard and propose paths to a mutually beneficial solution.

Avoid involving unnecessary people or non-mutual friends at all costs. We want to create an open discussion, not a show, pity party, argument, or debate. This is no place for uninvolved siblings, co-workers, friends, family, or strangers. It’s a special space and time set aside for resolutions.

If there is a natural power imbalance, such as with a child and parent or worker and boss, it is important to consider and discuss if possible. A parent can ask their child where they would prefer to have a discussion and lend suggestions. A boss should consider the employee’s privacy and comfort before suggesting a few options and asking if they have suggestions and where they prefer. Asking if someone wants the door open or closed is important. Some people need privacy to open up. Others feel trapped if shut up in a strange or new place.

Discuss communication methods if it will not be in person. How do you both communicate best together? This is not a question on how you want to communicate or what is convenient to you or the other person. It’s about clear communication where both parties understand what the other is trying to express. We express so much through our bodies, mannerisms, eyes, voice, tone, and posture that can often be lost via text. It’s equally important not to read into signs that aren’t there. Both can be tricky for text message conversations.

---

Build Your Strength - Experiment with the following fill in the blank sentences.

I wanted to talk to you because _________________ and I am hoping we can ________________________. -

I feel ___________.

When people ______________, I feel _______________, and at times respond by ____________________

I felt ___________________ when you _____________________, and I reacted by ____________________________.

I (do / do not) think / feel my reaction was ( appropriate / considerate / kind / loving / reasonable / fair ) I would prefer to react by ________________________________.

Do you feel that your reaction was (appropriate/considerate/kind/loving/reasonable/fair)? How would you prefer to react in ___________ situations?

Can we work on __________________ by __________________________________?

I will try to ______________________ and communicate more clearly with you when I begin to feel _____________________.

What do you think would be a good way for us to resolve this?

How can we hold each other accountable?

How do you feel?

Developing Self Love

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Moving to a new country can shake up your perception of yourself. It can be difficult to fit in with a new workplace, new friends, and a new culture. It can be even more difficult to remember that there are more important things, like your mental wellbeing. This weekend, let’s try something different by developing your own definition of self-love.

When we don’t have a strong and resilient love for ourselves, we tend to block our intuition-  aka our gut feelings. It then becomes easier to focus on pleasing other people and staying in the often experienced place of living out our lives to meet the expectations of others. This is your life, not your family’s, not mine, not the life of a co-worker, boss, or the person next door to you… you get the picture.

We often think that we’re doing our own thing and living out our own truth and hopefully, that’s what’s happening. But, we also oftentimes find ourselves inhibited from living or even finding that truth because we are so anxious from the demands of our busy lives. Self love frequently takes a backseat to work and schedules.  And what might be happening is that we’re actually attempting to quiet the voices in our head that insist that such and such get done by a certain time, and so on. This applies to how we work out and how often, eat, how we socialize or not. You name it… living without a slow, genuine love for ourselves leaves us ripe for the pickings! Ripe for lowered immune systems, a short temper, low moods – all sorts of vulnerabilities.

Imagine a well loved child. These sentient beings know the feeling of being cared for; being held and touched and nurtured. They know that there is consistent care being offered to them. They feel secure and have the inner strength to experiment and try new things. Taking a risk is easier because they know they have a loving foundation to fall back on, and, because they have built in confidence off of that nurturance. The same principle applies to adults.

Here are some of my thoughts around strengthening and practicing self-love and what it looks like:

The research, and perhaps even your own experience, will tell you that having or gaining love of yourself is not something that happens overnight. The potential for practicing self-love happens all day long and into the night! There are loads of opportunities as we are served small, medium and large size challenges every day… and of course, the design of having challenges constantly is there to help us learn life lessons (and more about my genuine and authentic self), and to help us become stronger and healthier in the Resilience Department of Ourselves. The other important piece on the topic of the opportunities to practice self-love is the ‘R’ word… i.e. taking responsibility for myself. Being able to detach from the current drama or challenge and continuing to walk forward in spite of the reality that might not be what we desire at all.

Finally, self-love is all about upskilling, learning the trade secrets of this thing called ‘living your life’. When you encounter a problem that you have decided is worthy of a solution,  learn how to solve the problem or issue. Note to self: Pick your battles. Not all battles need to be taken on. Monitor your energy. You know how to reach out as is evidenced by being a counselling client. You know how to research and hopefully, know what resources are solid, well-founded and grounded in real research (as in the double-blind, random trial kind of research aka bona fide!)

Self-love is about realizing that here on 3rd dimensional Planet Earth, not everyone will or needs to like you or even part of you. That’s simply a fact of life. If someone doesn’t like you, that’s on them, not you. However, what you choose to do with that information is an opportunity to practice self-love. You know who you are, and you practice realizing the positive aspects of yourself everyday. Remind yourself of 5 cherished and lovable things about you, and that are worth giving back to yourself. And do it! Treat yourself as you do your neighbor - with consideration, love and acceptance.

Through practicing self love you allow yourself to feel emotions as they come, but, more importantly  allow them to pass without judgement. Feelings last for seconds of time usually. All feelings generally break into the following: joy, fear, anger, sadness, love, pain and shame. So, practicing self-love is taking responsibility for feeling the feelings; having an awareness of thoughts; and taking positive action for yourself in that situation, whatever it is.

And, it might be that being quiet for 10 minutes is the self-love act that is needed. Or, it might be that sitting in nature, or exercising for 10 minutes is your way of practicing self-love. Or it might be that exploring the world around you helps you to feel grounded and more confident as an expat in a new country. What way will you practice self-love over the weekend? May it be a practice that you share with yourself alone! If you’re an expat, you may need to devote time to self care more than the average person. Moving to a new place takes courage and self discipline. Pat yourself on the back. You're one step closer.